Hi my internet lovelies!  Sorry that I’ve been so absent lately.  I know I’ve been bad about reading your blogs, and I’m trying really hard to fix that, but I’m zonked by the end of the day.

I wanted to post something non-pregnancy related so you wouldn’t be like, “Ugh.  All Erin every does is talk about being pregnant.”  Unfortunately, there’s nothing happening in my life other than being sick, so there’s not much else to say.

So, this is another pregnancy post.  Sorry.

Let’s talk about this giant myth known as morning sickness, shall we?  When you think of morning sickness, what comes to mind?  Throwing up in the morning….ginger ale and crackers…weird smells causing you to run to the bathroom.  Sure.  Those things are all true.  But that’s not all.  What I want to know is….

WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME IT WAS GOING TO BE SO AWFUL????????????????

Seriously.  Morning sickness?  That’s not what I have.  I have the 24-hour Incapacitating Sickness of DEATH.  I am nauseous all day long.  I can’t eat.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t take a hot shower.  I can’t stand the thought of most food.  Especially lentils.  Don’t say lentils to me.  Just typing lentils is making me gag.  I’ve turned into a walking zombie who forces food down her throat in hopes of getting some nourishment to her little babies.  Let me be clear.  I’m not just being whiny.  I literally have never felt so sick in my entire life.  I’m so sick that it makes me cry…frequently.  It’s awful.  I want you to know how truly awful it is so that you never give a pregnant women crap for feeling sick again.  Just be warned.  It will happen to you too one day.

Still, the 24-Hour Incapacitating Sickness of DEATH is also oddly comforting.  Dry heaving over the toilet every morning makes me feel like I must be doing something right.  I feel like my babies must be doing all right if they are making me so sick.  So, I’ll just muddle through and try not to die.

How many Shamrock Shakes is too many to have in a week?

What am I supposed to do for two weeks until my next doctor’s appointment?

How do I get Neil Patrick Harris to come and hang out with me?

Why can’t people on Formspring just be nice?

Why is there so much contradictory information about how to have a healthy pregnancy?

Where am I going to store my classroom this summer?

Why do I feel like I’m playing hookey when I just left work for a doctor’s appointment?

How did I get to be so incredibly lucky?

What are you wondering today?

So, here I am…six weeks pregnant.  Crazy, right?  Trust me, it’s crazy.  I don’t really have much energy to post, but I figured I’d share the latest baby photo with you.

What the twins look like:

There they are.  The big, black blobs are the gestational sacs, and the little white rings inside the big, black blobs are the yolk sacs.  The babies are tiny little dots on the little white rings.  Neat.

What I look like:

Just regular me.  That pouch is just my pouch.

How I feel: Tired, tired, tired.  I get winded just trying to sing the hello song at circle time.  Of course, I’m tired, but I can’t sleep at night, so that’s fun.  I wouldn’t say I’m nauseous, but my tummy is giving me trouble.  If I don’t eat every few hours, I feel nasty…but most food sounds repulsive to me.  That’s about it.

This week, I figured I would answer a few questions that relate to my recent big news.

Erin wanted to know — Are you worried that the hormone treatments might mean that when you do get pregnant it will be multiples?

During my first IUI cycle, I literally didn’t sleep at all because I was terrified I was going to end up with quads.  I got over that pretty quickly when things just weren’t working.  We were certainly aware of the risk for multiples, and willing to take that risk.  We took a very medically responsible approach to our treatments, so I felt that we would be ok.  As much as TV makes it seem that higher order multiples are a regular thing, they really aren’t.  Truthfully, I did have hopes for twins just so we would never have to even talk about fertility treatments ever again.  I am thrilled that we are expecting twins.

Ashley wondered — You said before on twitter that you wanted books for pregnant infertiles. Isn’t that an oxymoron? Are you still considered infertile? Will your pregnancy be any different than a “fertile” person?

First things first.  My endometrioses, while in a sort of “remission” during pregnancy, hasn’t disappeared.  Women who have PCOS still have PCOS when they get pregnant.  Low sperm count still exists after a pregnancy.  So, yes, I would say that we are still infertile.  In addition to the physicality of it, there is a mentality that goes with it as well.  I will always be part of the infertile club, and proud to be.  Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I’m going to forget what a struggle it was to get here.

As far as my pregnancy, I do think that it will be different in some ways from that of a fertile person.  For example, I’m currently taking progesterone supplements, which is something that most fertiles never have to deal with.  I have also had 6 doctor’s appointments during my pregnancy, and I’m not even 6 weeks pregnant.  Most women at this point in their pregnancies haven’t even had one appointment.  Finally, I think that emotionally my pregnancy is very different from that of a naturally fertile person.  Sure, some of the emotions and fears are the same, but I’ve got years of baggage and fear that came before this pregnancy.  That didn’t all magically disappear when a second line appeared on a pee stick.  It’s a big emotional adjustment to go from wondering if you will ever get pregnant to carrying twins.  When you pick up a regular pregnancy book it’s all about how excited you must feel, and most books only have a page or two about infertility.  I really feel that there should be a What to Expect Now That You’re FINALLY Expecting for those of us who have struggled to get here.

That’s all for this week!  Do you have a question (infertility or pregnancy related) for Fertility Fridays?  If you would like to submit a question, simply fill out this form.

Last night, I had the huge privilege of listening to a lecture from one of the people I admire most in this world — Temple Grandin.

For those of you who don’t know, Temple Grandin is an animal scientist and professor at Colorado State University.  She designs livestock facilities and specializes in humane slaughter.  Temple Grandin also has autism.

Listening to her speak last night was immensely inspiring.  Grandin’s book, Thinking in Pictures, was one of the first books that got me interested in autism, so I was just so thrilled her hear her speak.  She was a delightful, funny, and engaging speaker….not words you often use when you think of someone on the autism spectrum, but her sense of humor was fantastic!  I wish that I had been able to bring along the parents of my students with autism to show them the amazing potential their children hold.  Grandin’s lecture was such a refreshing reminder of the power of the human brain and spirit.  Plus, I kind of geeked out when she signed one of my books!

If you want to know more about Temple Grandin and what life is like with autism, I highly recommend reading Thinking in Pictures.  I also loved reading Animals in Translation, which was fascinating — just don’t get too skeeved out when she talks about slaughter.

On Friday last week, I went in for yet another blood test to check my hormone levels.  It was still to early to do an ultrasound, but the nurses were really excited and wanted to do an “unofficial” ultrasound.  We really didn’t expect to see anything yet, but there was a little baby:

4 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

Today we went back for our official first ultrasound.

5 weeks pregnant.

For those of you who aren’t sure, yes there are two embryos on this second ultrasound.  We are having TWINS!!!

All of my emotions from today’s earlier post still apply, only now they are double.  Plus, I now have this running through my head:

We should refinance the house, we need to finish the basement, where are we going to put two cribs, we need to buy a new car, my paycut is going to kill us, how are we going to afford daycare, I’m going to be as big as a house, I’ll probably have to go on bedrest, how am I going to carry twins and do my job, we need one of those gigantic strollers…

So, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go call the bank about refinancing the house.

——

*You get to be a Godparent if you know what the title of this post is in reference to.

Generally, when people learn that I’m pregnant, the response is something like this:

OMG!  I’M SO EXCITED!  WOO HOO!  FREAK OUT!  FREAK OUT!  CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK!!!!

Generally, when I think about the fact that I’m pregnant, my response is something like this:

Pregnant?  Huh.  Really?  Huh.  Really?

Everyone is expecting me to be so excited/over the moon/on cloud nine/beaming/thrilled/etc.  I do feel those things from time to time, but it’s not an accurate assessment of my overall emotional state.  Truthfully I still feel shocked, confused, overwhelmed, anxious, and a little bit terrified.  I’m not comfortable in my own skin.  With each day, the pregnancy does become more real for me, but I still haven’t really accepted it yet.

It really is such a strange place to be right now.  I feel very much in limbo.  I’m so used to being an infertile that that’s the group I identify the most with…but I feel a little awkward in that community because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feeling.  Still, I definitely don’t feel like I belong with all those other moms-to-be out there, because so many of them really don’t understand what it’s like for me.

I just keep thinking that if I actually had some major symptoms, I might feel more comfortable.  Right now, I have some minor breast tenderness, some minor cramps, and I’m a little moody.  Other than that?  Nothing.  I want to be puking my guts out.  I want to be so exhausted I can’t get off the couch.  Instead, I just feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I expect my period every time I go to the bathroom.  I panic after every blood test.  I know it’s early, but I just want to feel pregnant.

I have been trying to write this post for days, and I’m still not sure that it makes any sense, but it is what it is.  Sometimes you just have to post the word vomit.

So, even though I seem to be on a whole new journey now, I still want to answer your questions about my infertility journey.  Some of the questions might be strange to answer now that I’m on the “other side”, but I promise that I haven’t forgotten just what it felt like.

Stephany wondered — How is IUI different from IVF?

And Megan wanted to know — What is the entire process you have to go through for an IUI?

Well, IUI and IVF have some similarities and some differences.  This post will focus on IUI, and we can talk about IVF in the future.

There are a few main components to IUI (intrauterine insemination, formerly known as artificial insemination):  ovulation induction, monitoring, trigger shot, semen preparation, and the actual IUI.

• Ovulation Induction — This is the practice of using medication to cause the body to produce follicles, or eggs, for ovulation.  Clomid is the most popular drug for this purpose, but Femara is also used.  Clomid and Femara are typically taken on days 3-7 or days 5-9 of your cycle.  There are many injectable drugs that are also used to develop follicles.  Injectables are taken starting on day 3 of your cycle and generally stop right before your IUI.  The type and amount of drugs you take will depend on your diagnosis and your doctor’s preferred methods.
• Monitoring — Monitoring involves blood work to check your hormone levels, and ultrasounds to follow follicle development.  How often you are monitored depends on the type of drug you are on, your response to the drugs, and your doctor’s preferred methods.  For example, some clinics monitor on Day 3 and Day 12 of your cycle, but I generally had at least 4 monitoring visits per cycle at my clinic.  After the IUI, you will also have blood work to monitor your progesterone levels, and eventually to check for pregnancy.
• Trigger Shot — A trigger shot is an injection that will cause your ovaries to release mature follicles after 36 hours.  Generally, you take your shot once you have one or more mature follicles.  Some clinics do not have you use a trigger shot when on Clomid, and instead have you rely on Ovulation Predictor Kits to know when you will ovulate.
• Semen Preparation — About an hour before your IUI, your husband will drop off (or collect at the clinic) his semen sample for preparation.  The semen count is checked, and any dead or abnormal sperm are cleaned out.  I have no idea how this is done.  Let’s call it magic.
• IUI — About 36 hours after your trigger shot, you will go in for your IUI.  The IUI is performed by using a speculum to visualize the cervix.  A catheter is inserted through the cervix into the uterus, and then a syringe of semen is inserted directly into the uterus.  The process generally takes only a few minutes, and then you get to lay around for about 20 minutes.  There is no science that says laying on your back will increase your chances, but it can’t hurt!

I’m going to walk you through an IUI cycle with Clomid just to give you an idea of what the process looks like…

Cycle Day 1 — First day of your period.

Cycle Day 3 — Monitoring visit to check hormone levels and look for cysts.

Cycle Days 3-7 — Take Clomid

Cycle Day 10 — Monitoring visit.

Cycle Day 12 — Monitoring visit.

Cycle Day 14 — Monitoring visit.  If follicles are ready, take trigger shot.

Cycle Day 16 — Semen preparation and IUI about 36 hours after trigger shot.

Cycle Day 21 — Blood work to check progesterone levels.  Progesterone is needed to sustain a health pregnancy.

Cycle Day 28 — Blood work to check for pregnancy.  Not all clinics do this.  Some have you test on your own.

So, there you have it.  One nice and tidy IUI cycle.

Do you have a question (infertility or pregnancy related) for Fertility Fridays?  If you would like to submit a question, simply fill out this form.

Can Anne Hathaway please be my BFF?

How big of a pay cut am I going to have to take in order to keep my job?

Why does Kaya go so crazy for wheat chex?

Am I the only person in the world who actually enjoys eating wheat chex?

When is Spring going to make an appearance?

Why can’t it just be Monday so I can have my first ultrasound?

Just how big is this pirate ship that my dad is planning to buy for the baby?

Why are there no pregnancy books for infertiles?

What should I have for lunch today?

Why do I find all of those trashy shows on Bravo just so delicious?

Where is my copy of Thinking in Pictures so I can get it signed by Temple Grandin on Tuesday?

What are you wondering today?

I made this video blog on Thursday night, shortly after taking my first positive pregnancy test.  Even though it’s a little out of date now, I thought I would share.

Freaking Out! from Erin on Vimeo.