the state that i am in » On Who I Am as a Woman

I never really thought I’d be here.

In college, I went through a terrible break-up. After a lot of soul-searching, I found myself getting this tattoo:

It’s a goddess symbol that represents the three phases of womanhood — maiden, mother, and crone. At the time, it was very empowering for me as it represented all that I had yet to do as a woman. A little life map engraved on my skin.

For the past year, though, my tattoo has nagged at me. I’ve felt stuck in terms of who I am as a woman. I’m neither a maiden, nor a mother yet, so where does that leave me? In limbo, it seems.

I never really thought I’d be here.

Wait. That’s not exactly true. I had an inkling that this could happen. Certainly, it’s the stuff of nightmares for any mother-to-be. Still, I never thought that my infertility would come to define the woman that I am today. Truthfully, though, this whole experience has taught me a lot about the kind of woman I am, and the kind of woman I want to be. It’s shaped me in ways no other experience in my life has.

I’m proud of the woman that I am.

I’m proud that I’ve been able to turn my passion into a career that I love.

I’m proud that I have a wonderful and successful marriage.

I’m proud that I can be a support to my family and friends.

Mostly, though, I’m proud that I’ve decided to share this journey with you. I’m proud to be someone who stands up and says, “I’m trying to have a baby, and it’s not going well.” I’m proud that most of the people in my life know what’s going on. I’m proud that I’m able to share that with them, educate them, and laugh with them about the ups and downs of infertility. I’m proud of not hiding my struggle.

I never really thought I’d be here. This certainly isn’t where I had hoped or expected to be. Still, despite all the pain, I’m glad I’m here. I’m a better woman for it.

I can relate to this post in so many ways. I also feel proud to stand up and say, “I’m infertile!” and people think that’s weird. But it’s not in my nature to hide things or to be secretive about them. Being open about my infertility is the best thing I’ve ever done. It makes me feel like a free-er person.

You ARE a better woman for going through this, and you will be a better mother because of it, too.
.-= Katie´s last blog ..IUI#2 =-.

While nobody hopes to be here, it is certainly a ‘proud’ place to be in a sense. It takes such a strong and special woman to face IF with her head up (even if we all sometimes let our heads hang), I am so proud to be facing this struggle. I am proud of the characteristics IF has built in me. I am so proud to be part of a community of strong and amazing women too. And I’m proud to be able to offer and receive support here in IF Blogland. I loved this post Thanks for your congrats too!!

I’m so, so thankful that you have charted out your journey for us & that you continue to, even when it’s hard.

I can say without a doubt that you’ve completely changed the way I understand fertility, and the way I understand infertility. Thank you so much!
.-= Kyla Roma´s last blog ..The Big Picture & The Prairie Sky =-.

This is a great entry. You are strong that most people around you know about what your going through.

You are wise, brave and strong, and should most definitely be proud of who you are as a woman!

I think your greatest strengths are your honesty and fearlessness. You are an inspiration and I love the message that this post brings!
.-= Classroom Confessions´s last blog ..Crazier Than Fiction =-.

It is true what people say, hard times make you a stronger person but wouldn’t it just be better for everyone involved if those hard times didn’t have to happen?

You are indeed a strong, inspirational woman. I can’t imagine the heartbreak and sorrow infertile women go through. It’s a fear I harbor but I hope that if I ever have to cross this bridge, I can do it with as much sensitivity and humor as you do. Yes, my heart broke when I read “I got my period” a few Fridays ago on Twitter but you have still managed to forge ahead and keep on going.
.-= Stephany´s last blog ..Ten on Tuesday (vol. 4) =-.

I think you are absolutely delightful, and I’m so proud of you for sharing so much of your struggle and frustrations online.

Loves and hugs,
xox
.-= heidikins´s last blog ..I know it’s only Tuesday, but a girl can be thankful on Tuesday, right? =-.

I’m right there with you. I come from a large family and my parents come from larger ones. By having only one kid I am still looked at as a “failure” (not that anyone would say that). The church is the same way. I have heard parents there automatically write only children off as being spoiled, etc. Apparently breeding a large family is good for the kids too.
*sigh*
Let’s go get tattoos together that say “my ovaries do not define my femininity!”
.-= Rachel M´s last blog ..Day 20…..tomorrow =-.

I think you should definitely be proud of who you are. You are an amazing woman who is doing a great service education people about infertility.

You’re definitely an inspiration to us and other women. I love how honest you are and that you’re not afraid to stand up for yourself and speak your mind. That’s an awesome tattoo especially the story behind it.
.-= steph anne´s last blog ..Roses, Dinner & Yummy Anniversary Cake! =-.

1. I had no idea you had a tattoo.
2. I think I’ve told you this before but I think you (and Ted) are incredibly amazing, brave, wonderful souls for sharing everything you’re going through with us.
.-= nora´s last blog ..Giving Thanks, Seriously =-.

I’m proud of you for being able to share your story with the world, and I think you’re absolutely admirable and brave, and I think you’ve helped a lot of women out there. Great story about the tattoo!
.-= Emily Jane´s last blog ..Halp? =-.

& I am proud of YOU. :]
.-= Ev`Yan || apricot tea.´s last blog ..apricot recommends… must-hear albums. =-.

You have a lot to be proud of, and I’m so glad you’ve written about all of this. I’ve learned so much.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Greatest. Video. Ever. =-.

Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I never knew you had a tattoo! Where is it? Je t’adore.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..A silly and serious thankful list =-.

I’m so proud of you that you are brave enough to share this journey with us. As someone who has not reached the point in her life for children, your journey thus far has opened my eyes and made me more aware of so many things going around me that I never noticed. So thank you for sharing and for being brave and awesome. I know it cannot be easy, but we are all cheering you on!
.-= E.P.´s last blog ..Seasons of change =-.

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