the state that i am in » Wanted: Some Good Advice

I’m overwhelmed. Utterly and completely overwhelmed.

To say I have a lot on my plate right now would be the understatement of the century. I literally feel like I’m drowning most of the time. Even trying to type this post out is overwhelming to me. I know a lot of these feelings are coming from the hormones I’m on, but that doesn’t make my experience of them any less real.

Something has got to go. Something has got to change.

Let’s talk briefly about my very full life plate:

I work a wonderful, but physically and emotionally demanding full time job.
I am currently undergoing fertility treatments in order to conceive our first child.
My dad is very sick.
I am in training to become an RDI consultant for families who are living with autism.
I’m trying to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, and a good mom to my pups.

Those are the major players right now. The more minor players include anything that I want to do for myself — blogging, napping, knitting, reading, etc. The minor players, though, are not the problem.

Like I said, something has to go. So, let’s look at that list again.

I can’t quit my job. I need to pay the bills, and I don’t want to stop teaching right now.
I can’t quit fertility treatments. It’s just not an option.
I can’t stop my dad from being sick, nor can I stop caring about him.
Training to be an RDI consultant is important to me, but the whole situation completely overwhelms me right now.
I can’t quit my husband, my family, my friends, or my pups.

Really, off of that list, the only thing that I can feasibly give up is my RDI training. The question now is whether or not that’s a wise decision. Here’s the list of things that is currently running rampant through my head in regards to giving up on RDI:

I spent a LOT of money on this training.
I’m not even halfway through the supervision process, and I have a long way to go.
RDI is a great intervention, and I do want to be a part of it.
The time it takes me to do my work each week is more than I can handle right now.
My supervisor is not interested in my “excuses.”
I am doing less than my best work, which disappoints and frustrates me.
I could lose my job in the fall, and this would be something to fall back on.
If I had known that I was going to be doing fertility treatments, I never would have chosen to start this process.
If I quit and wanted to try again, I would have to start all over at the beginning again.
I have a lot of talents. Maybe this isn’t the right path for me.
RDI might allow me to work from home when we have kids.

So, that’s where I’m at. I don’t know what to do. I really could use some advice.

Edited to add: The part of RDI that I’m struggling with right now is the supervision process. I have to work with families and submit video tapes every 2ish weeks to my supervisor. I started in August, and I’ve completed 5 lessons since then. I have to complete 14 lessons to finish. So, that means there is no specific end date, it’s just done when I’m done. The hard part is that my video submissions require me to rely on the families I’m working with, rather than to just rely on myself to get things done. In addition to supervision, I have to take another trip to Houston to finish my training either in April or August of 2010.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from graduate school, it’s that even when you may not be ‘at your best’ in your classes or training, the information is still there and you learn most of all by what you do. Further, even if you think you’re not learning anything, you’re learning a whole heck of a lot.

I have similar thoughts of ‘maybe this isn’t for me’ all the time, but like you, I’ve put so much time and money and energy into this. It seems impossible, but time has a wonderful way of helping us along, even when it seems to be eeking by so slowly.

I have so many questions for you! The one pressing right now being, how much longer will RDI training require?

Even though it’s an addition to the list, I would highly recommend throwing some Yoga into the mix. It has an AMAZING ability to help put things on hold in your mind even just for a short while, and has been invaluable to many on many occasions.
.-= Phil´s last blog ..Bad, Bessie! Bad, Bad Bessie! =-.

Whoa! That’s exhausting just to read! My first thought was to see if you could put the training on hold, but then you answered that, and that’s a bummer that you’d have to start over

So, yeah, I don’t have any suggestions and am completely unhelpful. I’m thinking though, I’m thinking!
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..I’m writing about work. Can’t help it. =-.

Erin, I wish I had a solution for you. I can sympathize with wanting to have a fall-back if your job falls through—education is definitely uncertain for everyone right now. But, I also pose the question: is it worth living in the what-ifs? I know RDI is an AMAZING program, and might let you work from home and other things in the future, but what about your current reality? Might make sense for you to figure out how to make the best of that right now. Good luck, girl…
.-= Amy — Just A Titch´s last blog ..On fire drills, HUMILIATION, and finding me elsewhere… =-.

I sort of have the same question as Phil, how much longer is left in your training? If it is almost done, then it may make more sense to just get it done, especially if it will help your future.

That being said, if you have more than a few weeks left, maybe it’s not worth it for you. Your happiness is of course the most important thing, and I don’t think the stress of everything will make it easier to concieve.

I hope you figure it out, I’ll be praying for you as always.
.-= Camile´s last blog ..Umm? Naked Horse Head What? =-.

Wow you do have a lot of things to do that you can’t really change. I would say just take one day at a time and do what you can. Also make sure to eat, breathe, and see if you can get any moments to yourself. Can you schedule in some time anywhere just to do your videos?

Good lord Erin, it sounds like your holding yourself together with prayers and hairspray right now, I hope you’re okay!!

It sounds like you’re doing the right things, but that you’re overloaded emotionally & that’s what’s hurting you right now? This is so hard.

Is battling through an option you can consider right now? It sounds like you have put a ton of energy into this and like if your position doesn’t come through in the spring you’re already fast tracked to get into this specialization.

I think this is too close to call for anyone other than you. I feel like I can see you being upset if you stopped the training and had to start over, but at the same time it sounds like you have no energy for this right now. Maybe the Christmas break will provide you with what sounds like a much needed break so you can clear your head.

I’m sorry I can’t help, but if you need to talk you know where I am!
.-= Kyla Roma´s last blog ..Getting Healthy: Week One =-.

I wish I could snap my fingers for you and make everything effortless right this second. I so wish that.

It sounds like the training will save you time in the long run, and you WILL have kids, so that time then would be an amazing gift for you, even if the suckage is high now.

You have toughness coming at you from everywhere–I’m so proud of how well you’re holding up as it is, and I am definitely thinking of you often.

My gut would be to finish the RDI training now….because you have started it and are really passionate about it and it is so much harder to complete something like that “later”. Imagine if you were trying to finish it while working and wearing your multiple hate AND had a brand new baby? I think you are so passionate about it and when you are finished you will feel so good about the whole thing. And (like you said) it will give you a good stay at home option. But if you can’t…you can’t. But I think you will be happy when you are done.

You definitely have your hands full with things. I swear going through IF treatments could be a full time job on its own.

Can you take a of a hiatus from the RDI training for a bit?

I hope things balance out and you’re not feeling so overwhelmed. ANd I know the clomid doesn’t help things.
.-= Al´s last blog ..ICLW #2 =-.

This IS overwhelming, Erin, so the best advice I can offer is to be good to yourself and take advantage of all the good that you have around you: soak in the love from your husband and your dogs and your friends and family and give yourself the small gifts you need to feel nurtured. It doesn’t have to take time away from all you have to do (I know that it seems overwhelming to make time for yourself when you have so much going on) because there are always those small moments in the day for a cup of tea or a walk down the block or a chance to listen to a favorite song — what are the little things that make you feel most present and alive? Do those things and then tackle your to-do list. You will know the real answer to how to prioritize your life — follow your heart, your passions, and your conscience. Maybe it helps to remind yourself that this is a period of time that will pass. And whether you do your best work in your RDI training or not, and whether you finish it right now or not, you can stay true to yourself and your passion. There isn’t only one answer to how to live your life and most decisions aren’t forever and ever. Hang in there: we hear you.
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Paul Madonna =-.

Here’s the thing : you already know the answer, you just don’t like the choice you’ve made, and that’s why it’s so hard. If you physically can’t do it, you can’t do it. Forgive yourself for whatever your decision is. Focus on the things that really count to you, and if it’s gonna happen for you, it will happen one day. I firmly believe in moments of clarity in life when things just start to fall into place. Sometimes it’s necessary to take a step back – even if that is a huge risk.

And remember – if the risk doesn’t pay off, your friends and family (and pups!) are always there for you to fall back on.

Love always!! So proud of you

if there is no specified end date, could you just schedule your lessons further apart? given that the holiday season is in full swing, your supervisor may be more understanding since families may be traveling/having guests over the next months. talk to your supervisor (and anyone else involved in the RDI program that you feel comfortable with) to get some suggestions on lighting the load. burn out is a huge issue, and they may have ideas on how to avoid it/work around your other commitments

and keep breathing! whenever you start to feel overwhelmed, take a step back (perhaps even literally) and focus on your breathing. put everything else out of your mind; just think “breath in/breath out/breath in/breath out” at a steady pace. it cant change the situation, but it will hopefully help keep your stress levels lower
.-= michelle´s last blog ..worst payday ever =-.

I really wish I could help you with this one; I have also been in positions where I’m totally overwhelmed and while I wish I could quit what I’ve started I often make myself forge on.

I can say that I’m here for you if you need to bounce ideas off of anyone. That’s the best advice I can offer right now. Sending you hugs too!
.-= nora´s last blog ..Thankful GiST =-.

That’s a lot on your plate right now. I’d say finish it since you already completed some sessions and it’d be easier to finish what you started now rather than start all over again later. You have amazing blogging friends & family here as your support system to help you through this.
.-= steph anne´s last blog ..I’m Pumped for Christmas! =-.

I like what Meghan said, it does seem like you now the solution right now. It sucks that you may want to fall back on it later and you won’t be able to…but I think you’ll make it work when and if that bridge comes and has to be crossed. I think you’ll be able to find something either teaching or something else that can work if you aren’t teaching next year. I like the idea of accepting that you might be too overwhelmed to continue with RDI. I think we are alike in that we both want to do a lot and do a good job so when it’s just too much it feels like failure, but it’s not. It’s healthy to look out for yourself and say no to some thing. It’s okay. I give you permission to quit if it feels right to you.
.-= Jen V.´s last blog ..The Hunger Games =-.

I’m kind of with the previous commenter who broached the question about whether you’d be ready to re-start RDI if you had a child to care for. My GUESS is that having a child will be a lot mor joyous but definitely no less stressful than ther fertility treatments. So that’s one stressor for another. And RDI – even though it’s hard now, wouldn’t it be better to have it done before that next stage of your life? Like you said, it can be really smart to have that fallback if teaching doesn’t work out at some point. IF you can manage it and keep your priorities together, I vote to keep it up.
.-= Rebekah´s last blog ..Does it always have to be a production? =-.

I really feel for you. As a teacher, I know how much work it is, and I can’t even begin to imagine what adding all of that to it would feel like. I know it isn’t easy, but I think you should finish. You can do it! Once you get pregnant and have a baby, you aren’t going to want to go back to that. Also, when you have your baby, I bet staying home would mean so much to you. You have already started, and it may suck for awhile, but it will be over soon(er). If you quit, it will just be hanging over your head b/c you will be trying to decide when to go back. It probably feels like so much. But really, only you know how much you can handle. If you can’t handle it, quit. Nothing is as important as your mental/emotional health.

It sounds like you know what you WANT to do. However, I say try to stick with all of it for a little longer. It would be horrible to have to start over completely. If you can’t handle it after a certain amount of time, do what you think should be done. Regardless, we’re all here for support along the way.

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