Dear Jennifer Lopez,

I never really liked you all that much to begin with, but now I can say quite confidently that you make me sick.  It wasn’t long ago that you gave an interview saying that you would never use IVF.  You went on to say, “I … believe in God and I have a lot of faith in that, so I just felt like you don’t mess with things like that. And I guess deep down I really felt like either this is not going to happen for me or it is. You know what I mean? And if it is, it will. And if it’s not, it’s not going to.”  It’s not your opinion that bothers me.  I couldn’t care less if you don’t want to choose advanced reproductive technology for yourself.  My problem is that you are now making a movie, which I’m sure you are getting paid millions of dollars for, about a woman who uses a non-traditional method to get pregnant.  If you don’t believe in these kinds of treatments, maybe you shouldn’t be making millions doing a romantic comedy about them.  Just a thought.

Love,
Erin
———-

Dear Hollywood,

So, we’ve got The Back-Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez now, and soon we’ll have The Switch with Jennifer Aniston.  Did I miss something?  When did advanced reproductive technology become the stuff that romantic comedies were made of?  Please find a new topic to make jokes about, or at least don’t make insemination into a joke. Try telling a real story about IUIs.

Love,
Erin
———-

Dear Puppies,

I love you to death, but could you clean up the dog hair once in a while?  I clean up my hair, you should clean up yours.  It only seems fair.

Love,
Mama
———-

Dear Work,

There is entirely too much of you to get done by the end of the school year.  Please feel free to take care of yourself.  No need to wait for me to get you done.

Love,
Erin
———-

Dear Babies,

I think about you all the time.  I’m busy picking out all sorts of cute and fun things for when you are born. Please keep growing and stay healthy.  You are amazing, and I love you the most.

Love,
Mama

Dear Clomid,

Why do you suck so much???  I really, really, really hate you!

Ok, I take that back.  You’re not so bad considering that my ovaries respond really well to you.  Still, there’s some things we need to talk about.

You are making me crazy!  What’s with the insomnia whenever I take you???  Waking up every 20-30 minutes all night long does not make for a very happy, or well-rested, me.  And I am crabby when I don’t get my rest.  Ask Ted.  He can vouch for my evilness on not enough sleep.  Seriously.  Cut it out with the insomnia.

Now, let’s talk about hot flashes.  I don’t like them.  They are half the reason I wake up all night long.  I end up drenched in sweat just laying in my own bed.  Not fun.  Plus, I like to sleep with at least a sheet on.  I’m not comfortable just sleeping out in the open air…so if you are making me all sweaty and nasty, the whole keeping my covers on thing doesn’t really work.

Finally, what’s with the breakouts?  I have enough on my plate right now, I don’t really want to worry about pimples.  That’s just rude.

So, in conclusion, please continue doing all the lovely follicle growing that you are doing….just cut the crap in the meantime.

Love,

Erin

Dear Pregnancy Tests,

Stop calling me!  Don’t think I can’t hear you calling my name.  Don’t think I don’t know you’re there, all pretty and pink in the bathroom cabinet.  I am fully aware of your existence.  I am choosing to ignore you.

It’s not time yet.  You have to be patient just like me.  Stop tempting me to come and pee on you.  No good can come of it!  I will feel sad and waste money, and you will get peed on and then thrown away.  Is that really what you want?  No.  No one wants to be peed on and then put in the trash.

Leave me alone!  I will not pee on you until it’s time.

Love,

Erin

Dear Neighbor,

It is completely unnecessary for you to drop hints about the yard work that needs to be done.  We are fully aware of the state of our yard.  We do, after all, live here.

I understand that you want to look out of your window and see a lovely, well-maintained yard.  We’d really like that too.  Unfortunately for all of us, we inherited a yard that was most recently maintained (or not) by an over-planting nut job.  This means, that we have to spend a lot of time ripping out all the overgrown ground-cover that she planted BEFORE we can plant anything new.

I’m getting the impression that you don’t think that we’re doing anything about the state of our yard, so let me just remind you what’s been done so far.  In the two years that we’ve lived here we have:

• Ripped out an overgrown wisteria tree that was encroaching on YOUR yard.  You know, the one you called the “green monster.”
• Ripped out the disgusting above-ground pool.
• Filled in the giant hole left by the pool with dirt.
• Taken down the rotting, rickety wood fence and replaced it with a very lovely aluminum fence.
• Ripped out all of the weedy-looking ground-cover in the front yard.
• Ripped out that crazy overgrown Russian sage in the front and replaced it with 3 very lovely evergreens.

All of these projects have been expensive and time-consuming.  We’re working on the rest, but it’s going to take some time.  Unless you’d like to pay some professionals to come fix our yard for us, I’d like to kindly request that you chill the fuck out.

In the meantime, if you are looking for something to do, why don’t you go wash your car for the 9 millionth time.  I don’t think it’s quite clean enough yet.

Love,

I originally posted this ages ago, but seeing Angelina at the Oscars recently brought all these feelings to the surface again, so I’m sharing…again.

Dear Angelina Jolie,

I don’t like you.  It’s strange, actually.  The truth is, you should be someone that I like.  You are always do-gooding in third world countries, and making politically aware movies, etc.  As an almost Peace Corps volunteer myself, I should admire and appreciate what you do.  As someone deeply committed to improving the lives of children, I should at least like you.  But I don’t.

Whenever I see an interview with you about all your worldly goings-on, you seem very subdued.  No, that’s not quite it.  You talk about things that you should be incredibly passionate about with such apathy.  When you say you want to change the lives of children around the world, I don’t believe you.  I think it has something to do with the fact that you seem to think you deserve to be worshiped and admired for your good deeds.  Maybe you do deserve it, but I get the distinct impression that you do good for attention and not because you really care.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am.

Angelia Jolie — I think you are fake.  I don’t like you.  I’m sorry, but I felt it was time for the truth to come out.

Sincerely,

Dear DMA, School Psychologist,

What is wrong with you?  Why is your mustache so freaking long?  Why can’t you do your job?  Why can an intern do your job better than you can?  Seriously, I know that you are just one man, but be a man and do your job!

Love,
Erin

Dear Overwhelming Mom of One of My Students,

You are driving me CRAZY! We cannot have a conference every single day. I cannot write you a page long note every single day. I cannot talk to you on the phone for 30+ minutes every single day. You already get a ton of communication from me about your child’s day at school. In fact, I would argue that you get more communication from me than you will ever get from any other teacher for the rest of your child’s life. Take a deep breath. Give it time. I’m good, but if you put me in the nuthouse I won’t be able to help you or your son.

Love,
Erin

Dear Ovaries,

What is wrong with you? I hate you right now. Really quite a lot. Do you hear me? I HATE YOU. Hate hate hate hate hate. Get to work and ovulate already before I rip you out, fry you up, and feed you to DMA, School Psychologist as a punishment for his crimes!

Lots of hate,

It’s been that kind of week.

Dear Child of Pooping Incident Yesterday,

Did you not get my letter? I said not to stick your hand down your pants after you’ve made a #2. This does not mean to stick your hand down your pants and show us your poo at snack time. Let’s not make a habit of this.

Love,
Miss Erin

Dear P.E. Teacher,

Putting a student with autism and significant cognitive delays in time out accomplishes nothing. You’ve been doing this job for years now. Get a clue.

Love,
Erin

Dear John McCain,

Your going to find the cause of autism, huh? Really? I believe I’d like to see that.

Love,
Erin

Dear Little Girl in One of My Classes,

It is not nice to bitch slap your friends. It is especially not nice to double bitch slap your friends.  Also, please don’t spit popcorn in my face.

Love,
Miss Erin

Dear Matthew McConaughey,

I just don’t think you’re hot. Sorry.

Love,
Erin

And that’s it for the open letters…for today at least.

Dear Target Pharmacy,

Thanks for the call today that my prescription is ready to be picked up.  I picked it up yesterday, remember?

Love,
Erin

Dear Person Who Pronounces Thing Incorrectly,

The word is ACTually. I don’t know what ACHEWly means.

Love,
Erin

Dear Whiny,

Your life is not that bad. Stop complaining all the time. It’s really getting on my nerves. If you want something to change, get off your ass and change it!

Love,
Erin

Dear Rufus,

Why do you suddenly want to drink apple juice all the time? It pisses me off when you stick your tongue in my juice.

Love,
Mom

Dear Person Who Can’t Read Her E-mail,

It makes me crazy when you ask me for information that I’ve e-mailed to you 5 times. I know you read the e-mail because I checked to see that you opened it. Slow down and process the info!

Love,
Erin

Dear Student,

When discovering that you have moved your bowels in your diaper, the proper response is never to stick your hand down there, pull it out and yell, “I POOPED!” while waving your poopy hand in my face. That is NEVER the right thing to do!

Love,
Miss Erin

Do you need to send any letters today?

Dear September,

Fuck you.

Love,